Stuff I Know Better Than to Post

From a newsgroup post dated May 23, 2013:

I hesitated about reposting this, and I apologize, but…

So I saw a link to an article entitled, “What Gay-Bashers Can Learn from Baseball Players,” and my thought as to what gay bashers can learn from baseball players was, “Choke up on the bat, so you get more concentrated power at the point of impact…”

Note: I have, once or twice, come up with even more appalling reactions to posts, reactions that I successfully resisted putting online anywhere. This is, I think, the most vile I ever put in print.

About Story Settings

From two newsgroup posts both titled “Work in Progress: Bait (title will probably change),” and both dated April 21, 2013; I retitled it because (a) “Bait” did change titles, and (b) it isn’t really about that story in the first place.

“Bait” is now Veran the Fair and the Thieves of Borgran, and it still isn’t finished.

Today I got thinking about the setting, and realized I’ve been inventing too many backgrounds from whole cloth lately, instead of fitting stories into existing settings. Because of the way its magic works, Bait doesn’t work in Ethshar…

Setting of twelve novels and eleven short stories so far, beginning with The Misenchanted Sword. Many more planned, some begun. Multiple forms of magic with fixed rules, but none of them fit Bait.

… or the Bound Lands…

Setting for A Young Man Without Magic and Above His Proper Station. Unwritten/partially written stories in this setting include On A Field Sable, Assassin in Waiting, Swordsmen of the Fallen Empire, Untrue Names, The Prince’s Return, etc. Magic… well, there are actually three kinds, something the characters themselves don’t realize. I know the rules of sorcery (as do many of the characters), but there’s also wizardry and chaos magic.

You know, I could maybe make Bait work set in the Cousins. Hmm. But I’d need to rework some of the magic, because sorcery does everything through wardings and bindings, and that doesn’t allow for the teleportation spell I need in Bait, and it does allow for


…it would be a tough fit for Barokan…

Setting for the Annals of the Chosen: The Wizard Lord, The Ninth Talisman, The Summer Palace. No further stories contemplated. Magic is derived entirely from spirits, which doesn’t fit.

…or the Lands of Man…

Setting for the Obsidian Chronicles: Dragon Weather, The Dragon Society, Dragon Venom. No further stories planned, really, though a prequel called Lord Dragon was discussed a few years back. Magic
is vaguely defined, subtle, and complicated, and neither the magic nor the geography matches what I need in Bait.

…and it would only fit the Restored Lands if we go back the Great Pollution, probably before the Final War.

The Restored Lands (name subject to change) are the setting for The Dragon’s Price, an unfinished novel intended to be first of a series called The Signs of Power. Wizards are extinct; magic now takes specific forms indicated by specific birthmarks on the few people who can use it, and is strictly regulated by a theocratic regime.

(Though that’s maybe an interesting idea, that it is the Restored Lands long before they needed restoration.)

That could work, but would add theological complications, as there are real gods who can intervene in the mortal world in the Restored Lands, and I don’t want divine interference in Bait.

I don’t even remember what I called the setting for “Arms and the Woman” and Meant for Each Other, but it doesn’t work there unless, once again, it’s set in the distant past, before the Extinction.

“Arms and the Woman” is a published short story; Meant for Each Other is an unfinished YA novel. I like their setting and hope to re-use it elsewhere, eventually — it’s a world where (once again) wizards are extinct, but lots of their leftover magic is still cluttering up the landscape. But no wizards means no Bait.

I don’t think it’s really a good match for Meloria or the Inner Lands, from The Innkeeper’s Daughter, either, though that could maybe be made to work.

I’d need to rewrite what I have of The Innkeeper’s Daughter, I think, to make the magic match up better. The Inner Lands are ruled by the evil Lord Gorzoth, and a prophesied hero from Meloria is coming to try to kill him. Magic is complicated, poorly understood, widely but erratically distributed — not a good fit.

But on the other hand, I realized that it could fit the setting for an unwritten story called Home is Where the Heart Is. In fact, using that setting works really well.

Home Is Where The Heart Is consists of one page of notes and a lot of stuff in my head, I hadn’t actually started writing it yet, and until today I had no intention of ever using its setting for anything else, but it would work great for Bait, so there we go.

The working name for that setting is now The Wizardly Desmesnes. It’ll probably change.

The News from Ethshar

From a newsgroup post dated February 20, 2013:

So I just got a fan letter from someone wanting to know when I was going to write more about Valder of the Magic Sword, and I wrote back that I’d had At the Sign of the Crimson Wolf in my plans for decades but hadn’t gotten around to it, partly because the ending I’d outlined was really lame, and while I was typing that I suddenly realized that the entire existing outline had a HUGE GAPING STUPID PLOT HOLE, and fixing it could yield a much, much better ending. Much better.

(I had, incidentally, already fixed one huge gaping plot hole, long ago — somewhere between 1989 and 2004. Maybe that one kept me from seeing this other one.)

Anyway, I pulled up what I had on the project — basically, three files, one the opening, one the outline, and one a bunch of notes — and assembled it into a single file, and added my sudden new insight, which took all of three sentences. But it was interesting doing this, because upon looking at the outline I discovered I had completely forgotten a major subplot, and looking at the notes I found a paragraph I’d cut and pasted from a letter I sent Lester del Rey on February 3, 1989, talking about the project — and mentioning in passing that it was one of nine not-yet-written Ethshar stories that I had planned at that point.

I wonder what the other eight were? I mean, I can think of three of them off the top of my head, but I’m really not sure which others were in there…

Oh, wait. Six of the eight are accounted for. But the other two I’m still unsure of.

There’s also a note to myself dated September 3, 1990 (no, I don’t always date notes to myself, but sometimes I do) suggesting a plot twist that I’d forgotten that’s probably a bad idea.

Anyway, this has been entertaining, and has suddenly jumped At the Sign of the Crimson Wolf out of the great undifferentiated morass of “things I might write someday” into fourth place on the list of “Ethshar stories I intend to write,” behind Ishta’s Companion, Stone Unturned, and Azraya of Ethshar.

Note: Ishta’s Companion got written and was published as Relics of War, Stone Unturned is written and awaiting publication, but I’m in no hurry to write either Azraya of Ethshar or At the Sign of the Crimson Wolf just now.

A Note on Necroposting

As anyone who reads here will have noticed, I have been copying (and sometimes editing) old posts from my newsgroup on SFF Net, which was my primary online hangout from 1996 until early in 2017, to my blogs. When I started I had 591 saved posts, dating back to about 2009.

Not all deserved preservation, though. I’ve just gone through a bunch of them, and deleted a slew I didn’t think would be of any interest.

There are 104 left. I’ll be eliminating more as I go. These reprints won’t go on forever. And I expect to post new stuff more often once I’m done with them.

The Muse Plagues Me

From a newsgroup post dated January 5, 2013:

On Usenet there’s a busy thread about high-tech guns incorporating various technology to make them safer or more accountable, and goddammit, now I have the opening scenes of a story in my head.

At first I thought I might have a complete short story, but then I realized that no, it’s the opening of a much longer tale.

So it’s a near-future setting where gun control efforts have taken the form of requiring (or strongly recommending) new guns to incorporate a device that informs the local police any time the gun is fired outside a shooting range, and a camera that goes off whenever the gun is fired, showing what it shot at.

And one dull evening the cop on monitor duty gets an alert — someone has just emptied a .45’s twelve-round magazine as fast as he could pull the trigger. He puts out the word, and a cop car investigates the reported location.

The gun owner’s mangled corpse is there. So’s the gun. They pull the camera’s memory chip, and find twelve images of a cthulhoid monster closing at superhuman speed, untroubled by the high-caliber bullets hitting it…

Gloomy Chick Singers

From four newsgroup posts, dated April 12, 2008; May 5, 2008; and (two of them) August 19, 2012:

On Sat, 12 Apr 2008 12:49:53 -0400, Lawrence Watt-Evans wrote:

It’s been a running gag for, oh, maybe fifteen or twenty years now that my preferred genre of music isn’t rock or country or classical, but gloomy chick singers. There is much truth to this — but one must understand how I define this, and that I do include some cross-genre stuff.

“Singer,” okay, that’s a fixed requirement. Rappers and screamers and narrators and instrumentals don’t make the cut, but one need not be a solo act; bands with gloomy chicks singing lead count.

“Chick” — yes, for the most part they must be female, but I’m willing to include bands with a female lead singer even if they may also have a male singer or two (e.g., Dead Can Dance, Transvision Vamp). There are also certain male singers who I consider cross-genre — they’d be gloomy chick singers if they were female (e.g., Meat Loaf or Peter Gabriel).

Ah, but “gloomy” — there’s the tricky part. Yes, sometimes I really mean slit-your-wrists depressing, like Portishead, but there are plenty who are only gloomy occasionally, and some who are downright cheerful but still scratch the appropriate itch for me. I can’t really explain how this works, I just know it when I hear it. Heart, while being indisputably chick singers (and quite good), does not qualify, while Sixpence None the Richer, a Christian rock band, does. Berlin is borderline. Britney Spears does not qualify, no matter how messed up she may be.

Added August 19, 2012:

I’ve just bought a couple of MP3 albums off Amazon — I had a voucher to use up — that have added new artists to my list of gloomy chick singers, so I thought I’d repost the above as a reminder of my definitions.

The new ones are Sister Crayon and Jane Siberry — not that either is actually new at all, but I didn’t have them in the collection before.

Below is a list, originally compiled May 5, 2008 and updated August 19, 2012:

As of May 5, 2008: This now includes everyone I have an entire album on CD by; I haven’t included LPs, and there may be some tracks on compilation albums I missed. (All of them from the 1980s.)

Amos, Tori
Baez, Joan
Bel Canto
Black Velvet Band
Bonham, Traci
Branch, Michelle
Breeders, The
Brennan, Maire
Brightman, Sarah
Bush, Kate
Cardigans, The
Cassidy, Eva
Cline, Patsy
Cole, Paula
Colvin, Shawn
Concrete Blonde
Cowboy Junkies
Cranberries, The
Darling Buds, The
East of Eden
Etheridge, Melissa
Fahl, Mary
Fairport Convention
Fleetwood Mac
Flying Lizards, The
Fordham, Julia*
4 Non Blondes
Frampton, Dia (added August 19, 2012)
Gerrard, Lisa
Ghost, Amanda
Grace Pool
Gryner, Emm
Harris, Emmylou
Heart Throbs, The
Hickman, Sara
Hope Blister, The
Ian, Janis
Imbruglia, Natalie
Indians, The
Innocence Mission, The
Joplin, Janis
Keineg, Katell
K’s Choice
La Bouche
Lacuna Coil
Laing, Shona
Lauper, Cyndi
Lennox, Annie
Letters to Cleo
Lone Justice
Lovich, Lene
Maharry, Wendy
McCall, Jana
McKee, Maria
McKennit, Loreena
McLachlan, Sarah
Meg & Dia (added August 19, 2012)
Merchant, Natalie
Minogue, Kylie
Mitchell, Joni
Moonpools and Caterpillars
Motels, The
Myles, Alannah
Nicks, Stevie
O’Connor, Sinead
October Project
One Dove
One 2 Many
Paris, Anika
Private Life
Rhodes, Happy
River City People
Romeo Void
Rusby, Kate
Schmidt, Claudia
Shai no Shai
Shakespear’s Sister
Sharam, Max
Siberry, Jane (added August 19, 2012)
Siouxsie and the Banshees
Sister Crayon (added August 19, 2012)
Sixpence None the Richer
Sky Cries Mary
Smyth, Patty
Sneaker Pimps
Sonic Dream Collective
Sundays, The
10,000 Maniacs
Tikaram, Tanita
‘Til Tuesday
Tosun, Sylvia
Transvision Vamp
Trynin, Jen
Tunstall, K.T.
Tyler, Bonnie
Vega, Suzanne
Velvet Chain
Wilson Phillips
Winehouse, Amy
Xenia (added August 19, 2012)

I’ve added more since.


Borderline cases I’m tempted to include but have reservations about:
Ace of Base
Benatar, Pat
Bow Wow Wow
En Vogue
Franklin, Aretha
Jackson, Wanda
Jett, Joan
Reinhart, Haley (added August 19, 2012)
Tony! Toni! Tone!


Noteworthy non-gloomy chick singers in my collection:
Bangles, The
Carey, Mariah
Chiffons, The
Go-Gos, The
Jackson, Janet
Shirelles, The
Shore, Dinah


* I don’t actually like Julia Fordham’s music, but I have three of her albums — gifts from one of my fans — and she definitely qualifies as a gloomy chick singer under my definitions, just a bad one.

Things You Maybe Didn’t Know About Me

Based on a newsgroup post dated May 15, 2012, but heavily edited:

In the 1980s I looked so much like Bob Seger that not only did his fans sometimes mistake me for him, but my then-brother-in-law once mistook him for me.

The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man — or at least the guy in the suit in the original “Ghostbusters” — was one of my high school classmates. He’s not credited because he was in the wrong union; he was a special-effects guy, not an actor.

The very first personal newsgroup on SFF Net, started on February 7, 1996, was mine. It was not the last, though; I shut it down a couple of weeks before SFF Net closed up shop in March, 2017.

The Writing Life

From a newsgroup posted dated April 17, 2012:

I can’t remember what brought it on, but I was thinking about the Weird Shit Boys tonight.

For those who don’t recognize the name, this was a project I started many years ago. The premise is that the FBI really does have a team they send in when there’s something supernatural or mad-sciency, but it’s not Mulder and Scully, or the Men in Black, or Fringe Division, it’s the Weird Shit Boys — a middle-aged housewife psychic/witch, a boy genius, an old, old man who’s been a weirdness magnet all his life and has an eidetic memory so he can match almost anything to something he’s encountered before, and a more or less standard-issue agent who rides herd on the others. The FBI doesn’t admit these people exist, and they aren’t officially working for the FBI, but if you convince the FBI that you really do have a supernatural problem, the WSB will show up.

Tonight I realized two things about the WSB’s world. First off, nobody’s worried about the Apocalypse, or vampires taking over the world, or whatever, because if large-scale supernatural threats really happened, the way they do in Hollywood, then the world would have been destroyed centuries ago. The good guys can’t always be there and win, so the odds are so high that it’s a virtual certainty that if an Apocalypse was possible, it would have already happened. So the FBI doesn’t worry too much about this stuff, but on the other hand, you don’t want to just ignore it, either — thus the WSB.

Sometimes, though, if the events are public, you need to be seen to do something, even if the event doesn’t really call for the WSB, so they also have the Paranormal Defense Unit. The PDU is a bunch of guys in suits with heavy armament and fancy gadgets, but it’s all for show — they don’t do anything but show up, go through the motions, and issue a reassuring (and largely fictional) report. The PDU guys aren’t full-time; they’re regular FBI agents with some theater background who get called out as needed.

On the tricky cases, though, you call in both the PDU and the WSB, and try to keep them out of each other’s way.

So having worked all this out — I have no plans to actually write anything about them any time soon.

The Bound Lands

From a newsgroup post dated October 1, 2011. That thread had a different title, and I’ve edited this post a little, but I’m reprinting it here because I thought some readers might be interested in the background of the Bound Lands.

On 1 Oct 2011 06:04:08 GMT, (Josh Berkus) wrote:

>Can you explain what the whole business with the Bound Lands was? It was referred to several times in the book but never really explained.


Okay, the world in which these stories take place was originally just a chaotic mess, with variable and constantly-changing laws of nature — summer might last a couple of days in one place, several years a mile away, and that “mile” might change length from one day to the next. Gravity wasn’t a law, just a suggestion. A woman might have kittens rather than human children, and a baby could hatch from a serpent’s egg. Reality wasn’t stable enough for civilization to exist, but there were scattered barbaric tribes here and there.

Then a bunch of wizards happened — the Walasian religion teaches that they were the eldest children of the Father and the Mother, but there’s no real evidence of that. They appeared from somewhere, though, and bound the lands into a solid, stable form. Their influence extended over a circular area taking in what later became Walasia, Ermetia, and half the Cousins; within this region the year was always four equal seasons, the seasons always came in the same order, each species brought forth young of its own kind, the sun rose every day, etc. This rational area was called the Bound Lands because they were bound by wizardry into stable form.

Beyond the Boundary there was a lot of slop-over — things were far more stable than they had been, but still a little wild. The farther away from the Bound Lands one goes, the more chaotic everything is, until by the time you get to the outermost extremes of the Quandish Archipelago, or the farther Mystery Lands across the seas to the south and east of Ermetia, things are almost as weird as before the wizards arrived.

The wizards set up their own state, the Old Empire, and welcomed ordinary humans to settle in it. Some humans were already there; others immigrated. The immigrants were given the name “walasi,” which was a wizards’ word usually translated (to be polite) as “guests.” (Its actual meaning was more like “foreign pests.”)

Whether the wizards were human or something else isn’t clear. They could interbreed with ordinary humans, but usually didn’t. Their magic was inborn and hereditary, not something anyone could learn, but some Walasi were able to learn and use a weaker form of magic, which they called sorcery. Whether the first sorcerers were wizard/human half-breeds or not is the subject of much debate.

And then the wizards started disappearing, faster and faster, without explanation, until finally, over a period of thirty or forty days, the last two-thirds of them vanished and the Old Empire collapsed.

The Walasi sorcerers took charge of things and restored order in the form of the Walasian Empire, but never managed to recapture the southeastern chunk of the Old Empire, which reorganized itself under the original humans of the Empire as Ermetia (the Closed Land). Walasia also wasn’t able to keep hold of the eastern provinces, which broke apart into dozens of little principalities collectively known as the Cousins. The people of the Cousins expanded eastward, beyond the Boundary, but stayed fragmented, so now there are Cousins both in the Bound Lands, and outside.

Quand is the old word for “outside,” and originally meant everything beyond the Boundary, but later applied specifically to the federation of semi-barbaric tribes that came to control the peninsula and archipelago to the northwest of the Bound Lands. Their magic came largely from refugees from the collapse of the Old Empire. One such refugee was the first Lord Blackfield, who took over a burned-out, dragon-ravaged area in the southern part of the peninsula — the name comes from the dragon-scorched fields he claimed.

One of the novels I had hoped to write, Swordsmen of the Fallen Empire, would have described the fall of the Old Empire and the first Lord Blackfield’s origins. You’ll notice Lord Allutar had a copy of that story in his library.

Cover to Cover

From two newsgroup posts dated August 23 and 24, 2011:

The trickiest parts of self-publishing, for me, are twofold. The big one is publicizing the work, so that would-be readers can find it.

The other one is coming up with a decent cover.

When I put those half-dozen short stories out there, I had to come up with covers. I was determined not to do anything generic, or use any of the publisher-provided art, but… well, it’s challenging.

I’m reasonably happy with what I eventually came up with. In particular I think the cover for “Stab” is pretty good, and of course that one was almost accidental. That’s just an ordinary Oneida kitchen knife, sitting on our dining table; the glare is from the camera’s flash. The “blood” is computer-generated, but otherwise the photo is unretouched. I actually took some photos with real blood on the blade — checking one’s glucose twice a day tends to reduce squeamishness about blood, and meant I had lancets handy — but that looked much more fake than the CGI blood.

I originally took several pictures by natural light of the knife with my blood on it sitting on various pavements, but none of them looked any good at all. On the way back into the house, after I’d wiped the knife clean, I put it down on the dining table and did a double-take. That looked good!

The cover for “Parade” is just a photo I took in New York in June, judiciously cropped but completely unaltered. That’s West 43rd Street.

The cover for “Hearts and Flowers” was assembled out of online public-domain clip art. Took maybe fifteen-twenty minutes.

The cover for “Heart of Stone” is a clip-art stone wall background with an excerpt from a Botticelli painting on it.

The cover for “Dead Things Don’t Move” is a reworked photo of a neighbor’s back-yard workshop.

The cover for “Why I Left Harry’s All-Night Hamburgers” is a reworked photo of a diner in Reading, Pennsylvania. I took the picture last year.

The cover for “The Ghost Taker” — well, what I intended to do was assemble a bunch of carved faces from various sources into a staff, like the one the priest in the story carries. I was working on that, using a couple of carvings Kiri did years ago as my first pieces, and had gotten as far as knocking out the background in one picture, and doing some preliminary work on the figure’s base in the photo to make it easier to merge with the next chunk, when I looked at it and said, “What the hell, that’s kind of cool just like that.” So I stopped there, and used it.